"Belinda You Can't Swim"

I would of wrote this blog last night but I was still trying to process the news given to me yesterday. After our 2 hour swim work out and 9 mile trail run.. I was pulled aside by the head coach for a "talk". He wanted to address my "swim issue". Apparently a "decision" was made among the coaches and higher level TNT "big wigs". The coach informed me that legally they could not allow me to do the swim in my Ironman event. I was told a liability issue was of the greatest concern. During the Half Ironman Distance Training weekend I had "gutted" out the entire 1.2 mile swim but as a trade off.. I swam for 1 hr and 43 min and vomited twice in the water. The vomiting could of been attributed to the amount of time I spent in the water and or the fact that I was swimming in circles and back and forth across the lake while doing the backstroke. As you may remember I was assessed by 2 paramedics.. my sugar was checked, heart rate and temperature taken... all vitals were normal. Of course since I was in the water for so long and I vomited twice.. possible dehydration was what was determined. I was also shaking from being cold... Since I am so thin hypothermia was also something they were looking for (FYI-I shake when I get out of the shower too). Mentally I was aware and answering all questions and admittedly somewhat tired from the swim.
Looking back, my choice in doing the backstroke was a poor one. As I understood it, the goal of the swim was to finish it in its entirety. No "plan B's" were offered. No advice was given prior to the swim. Not everyone finished the entire swim.. they did the best they could do for them. I wonder if any of this would be an issue now if I had chosen to have quit and not do the entire swim of 1.2 miles. I also wonder why I wasn't offered a "plan B". The coaches knew of my struggles with swimming. Although I am now comfortable swimming in a pool.. swimming in open water is a totally different ball game. It was clearly known prior to Half Iron Training weekend of my anxieties with open water swims. Why was I not asked to swim 30 min out and back? Why was I not asked to just break it down and just focus on my freestyle stroke? Why was it not explained to me that it was in my best interest to just try to become more comfortable in the wet suit? That these were all options? That the goal of the day for me was not to swim the entire course (at least not that day) but to instead not worry and focus on "plan B". If I had thought of any of these things as options.. I certainly would of chosen differently.
As a compromise, the coach offered that I could be the "first Iron(WO)man to do a duathlon" instead.. someone else would swim in my place. I was also told that I was still part of the team and could do the swim work outs in the pool but was not allowed to do any more open water swims. These "compromises".. just added more sting to this nasty scenario!! I bursted into angry tears to the coach. I informed him that I have done nothing but bust my ass since the start of training in November of 08. I went into this program barely able to swim 25 yards without having to stop on the pool wall to catch my breathe. I now can swim 2800 yards in the pool along with everyone else. Im still one of the slower swimmers but the point is im swimming and im making the efforts needed towards improvement. I told him that I thought that it was wrong of them to take away my right to try.. I realize that I may not make the swim cut off during my race and im okay with that. My goal is just to try.. to try the best I can... For me, for all the people/family and friends that have supported me and for all the honorees.
After the conversation with the coach... I was left feeling that they had given up on me.. that I was not good enough.. that I was not worth it. TNT always ask us as participants to make a commitment.. to sign on the dotted line. But where is their commitment to me? There are people lying in hospital beds.. fighting for their lives. The prospects may be dismal but yet they fight. They do not give up. And for them and everyone else I will not give up! I will write my letters to the "big wigs" of TNT and go through all the chains of commands. And even if they still refuse me the right to try... I WILL STILL BE AT THAT WATERS EDGE ON RACE DAY! Even if I have to do it without the support of TNT.
All my teammates have been very supportive and want to help in any way they can. Today I swam in Sonoma in open water. Three of my teammates.. Les, Meg and Wendi took the time to swim with me. I swam in my wet suit.. I swam further than I have ever in open water (@ 1/2 mile) using a freestyle stroke. I did not get nauseated.. I did not vomit and yes I shivered a little when I got out of the water. My teammates pointed out different ways I could improve my swim to make it more efficient. It felt good to finally be told that I could do this. That all my efforts werent for not. Its amazing what a little positive reenforcement can do.
I have plans to do many more open water swims between now and May 1. I am officially signed up to do the Half Ironman (not through TNT) at Wildflower. This will be the same exact course that I did for Half Iron Distance Training weekend. I will complete the swim and I will finish the bike and the run. GO LONG, GO STRONG and JUST GO!!!!