PANIC ATTACK #2

Just this past weekend we had an open water swim at Lake Del Valle in Livermore. This is the same lake that we did our very 1st open water swim way back when. The water temperature was a bit warmer comparatively but still considered cold. I borrowed a friends sleeveless wet suit to see if I would prefer swimming in it as opposed to a full sleeved wet suit. The range of motion with the arms was much greater but unfortunately across the chest it felt a bit more constricted than my own wet suit. I started out the swim with a free style stroke but soon found it too difficult to breathe. So as a back up.. I decided to switch to the back stroke. While on my back I tried to concentrate on just moving forward along the course. Within my own head I kept repeating to myself that I could do this swim. But then nausea soon started to set in while at the same time my goggles were entirely fogged up. So there I was, blind, nauseated, cold and unsure as to my path along the course. Thankfully one of the coaches stayed near by to help guide me from swimming into any obstacles.. a floating tree branch here or an oncoming swimmer. I was told that I needed to be sure to flip over and site every few strokes but that just worsened my nausea altogether. I managed to make it to the first marker and make the turn around. I didnt want to quit.. I kept yelling at myself not to quit. As I continued my swim back, all I could see was the cloudy sky above me and the shoreline in my peripheral. I could hear the coach telling me that i was doing well and to veer left or right along the course. As I was fighting off the feeling of wanting to vomit.. I could sense the water becoming choppier. At first I ignored it but then the waves became bigger and more frequent. I couldnt understand what was happening. All I could do was yell out to the nearby coach that I needed him.. I felt a panic taking over. I had to reach the canoe or I felt like I would drown. I just hung there at the edge of the canoe for minutes waiting for the waves to subside. So many thoughts were streaming through my head... it all became overwhelming.. I just bursted and began sobbing. The coach explained to me that there was a motorized boat that had just passed by and that everything was fine and that I was fine. I managed to calm myself down and started my swim again. I swam a few hundred more yards before my body started shivering from the cold. I just couldnt take it anymore... thats when I decided that I was done with the swim. I swam to the shoreline and climbed up the embankment. There happened to be a fisherman there to help fish me out of the water. I walked along the waters edge and headed back towards the direction of the start. Looking back I walked with my head hung low, frozen from the cold wind and ashamed and disappointed in myself for giving up. By the time I reached everyone back at the start I had turned 12 shades of blue. I needed 2 people to help me get undressed and changed into warmer clothes. Eventually I made it to my car and just layed there across the front seats hoping to get warm and to lose the nausea. The rest of the work out involved an hour on the bike and then a 30 min run and then repeat again. My body was on autopilot for the rest of the day. I knew that it was just a bad day for me and that not all days were going to be good ones.
The good news is.. that my actual event will be held in a river, with no boats, shallow enough at some points that I could stand and warm enough that I wont need a wet suit or to have to worry about hypothermia. But until then I have a number of open water swims in the cold that i must endure first. This coming weekend will be our "half way to ironman" training weekend. Im not feeling very confident about it... especially after what happened just this past weekend. All I can do is try because not trying is NOT an option. I will repost another blog after the weekend to let you know I did. In the mean time.. think of me out there trying my best to keep my promise to complete my event. Im still fundraising for both the Ironman and the AIDS LifeCycle.. if you feel compelled please donate today. My personal obstacles are nothing compared to the individuals who are bed ridden and fighting for their lives. I can do this and I will do this! With love, Belinda

PS In the pic im the one at the bottom right (no sleeves)